Soma

By Ralph Maltese

One of the courses I taught in high school was Radio and Television, an elective designed for students to understand what goes into creating shows.  A unit on media literacy, how to read commercials, for example, was a popular project.  We explored tactics advertisers used to sell a variety of wares (celebrity testimonies, join the crowd, statistical analysis, etc.)

When I was teaching Shakespeare and the Renaissance, I showed the class a copy of a painting of Queen Elizabeth I.  And I showed the famous painting of George Washington, standing in a rowboat, crossing the Delaware at night ready to surprise the British.  Both paintings are propaganda,or from another perspective, they are commercials.  Queen Liz did not really look like her painting which was much more flattering without the pox marks.  And, trust me, only those who are one can short of a six pack stand up in a boat while it is rowed.  One of the walkaways I hoped all my students carried with them was the concept that you can catch a glimpse of what a culture valued by examining the products promoted by its Madison Avenue.

I don’t spend a great deal of time studying commercials now, but once in a while I give it some thought.  A week ago we forgot to tape Jeopardy, the quiz show we have been watching since the mid 1960’s. I used to be decent at answering Jeopardy questions (or is it questioning the Jeopardy answers?), but then the world passed me by, and I totally bombed on categories like Mongolian Punk Rock, Tik Tok Fashions, and Popular Bulgarian Soap Operas of the 1990’s. Since we did not tape that episode of Jeopardy we had to watch the commercials, and I saw a pattern emerging….most of the commercials were plugging drugs (in most countries commercials advertising drugs are illegal).

It was not always this way.  The FDA forbade the advertisement of drugs on television until the 1980’s, and this rule was supported by both pharmaceutical companies (Drug companies were worried that a tv ad, unlike an ad in a magazine, could not list all the side effects in the short time most ads consume.).  Medical associations felt the same way.   In 1984, the FDA allowed drug ads as long as the commercial did not mention side effects OR the disease the drug was supposed to address. An example: Voiceover.Everyone in this office seems to be having a good time

Except for one poor soul who is sitting by himself hunched over.

Barry does not feel so good.  He should try Ventrix and in five minutes Barry is back dancing!”  Ventrix.Your choice when you are not feeling so good. Go figure.  What was the affliction?

“I feel so much better!!!
How does one advertise a product without mentioning the product’s name or what it is for?
Finally, the flood gates were opened and we now have an average of 80 drug commercials aired every hour somewhere in the United States.
And sometimes it takes a minute or two to figure out what drug they are advertising and what disease or condition the drug is supposed to cure, especially since the names of the drugs are often hard to pronounce.   I did learn that there are afflictions that I never heard of but apparently make some people’s lives miserable.
Most of these ads really puzzle me.  The images often are not congruent with the condition the drug is supposed to address.
I decided to replicate the tv commercials for drugs.  I did my best to transfer the videos to print.  Voiceovers are in italics.
For example, consider these commercials.

Voiceover: Scientists say that three out of five people have serious hearing problems after they reach the age of fifty.  One of the more serious conditions is ear
wax buildup.  Over time people afflicted with earwaxitis are suddenly caught off balance as the buildup of the wax in their ears causes them embarrassing and sudden tilts of the head.
Voiceover: Earwaxitis can strike at any time, without warning, and that is why medical professionals recommend patients with earwaxitis try waxbegone. Just apply waxbegone liberally with the applicator and Wipe on, wipe off and presto!  No more ear wax build ups. 
“One night Arnold took me to a really fancy restaurant and I was sure he was going to propose to me.

After dessert I could see in his eyes he was about to pop the question when a horrible thing happened.”
“But then a friend told me about Waxbegone.  Six weeks later, Arnold recovered from the incident and asked me out….and then, thanks to Waxbegone…” 

“Thanks, Waxbegone!” Then, of course, there are the usual disclaimers and warnings when a stentorian voice interrupts the gaiety of the people who have overcome their affliction. Voiceover:  Do not use WAXBEGONE if you are allergic to WAXBEGONE. [how would you know that?], use hearing aids, bathe or shower, use headphones, or have ridden In a car in the last week.

Voiceover:  Side effects of WAXBEGONE include vomiting, hair loss, deafness, alternating bouts of constipation and diarrhea, temporary paralysis of the jaw, and inflamed eardrums, bipolarism, and advanced senility.[/caption] I get so scared about the side effects that the affliction does not seem so bad.

Then there are those ads that feature a cure for a condition I never heard of. A woman appears and claims she suffers from high levels of HUY2.

“My doctor told me that I had high levels of HUY2.  Mine were 600 buds. Normal levels are 300 or less.  I tried weight lifting and needle point, as well as whirly dervishing.

And I tried a variety of medicines but still my HUY2 numbers remained high.  Fortunately I accompanied my husband on a business trip to Mongolia, and I discovered that Mongolian doctors had lowered the levels of its HUY2 citizens by administering a compound made from a mixture of the oils from a Mongolian Thistle and Siberian Pea Shrub and the roe from an Amur Pike.

Mongolian physicians have shared this formula with American doctors who have packaged it in capsule form known as Muk HOMZ.

Now my HUY2 levels are where they should be, thanks to HOMZ.  I can travel wherever I wish without fear of my HUY2 levels rising too high.  Be it ever so humble, there is no place like HOMZ.

Voiceover: Consult your doctor before taking HOMZ.  Do not take HOMZ if you have high levels of HUY, or if you have ever traveled overseas.  HOMZ in children has in some cases eliminated bone growth and can result in  lower SAT scores.  Side effects of HOMZ include, but not limited to, low HUY@ levels, intermediate blindness, a desire to climb MT. Everest,, swelling of the nose, indigestion, sudden onset of projectile vomiting, and severe memory loss.  Before taking HOM be certain you are not allergic to the following ingredients:    我喜歡吃香蕉

A tactic which helps lawyers for drug companies to avoid lawsuits includes the advice to “See your doctor before taking……(whatever drug du jour.)”  One positive upshot of all this drug advertising is that more people do visit their physicians.  Statistics tell us that this is especially true of men.  Other stats indicate that doctors took patients more seriously if they, the patients, mentioned a drug. I would like to know what my HUY2 levels are and what they are.

Developing a pill that treats a condition that most people consider just a minor inconvenience reminds me of the novel Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.  In order to maintain control of the society, the power brokers provide a drug, Soma, to anyone who becomes sad or upset or questions the leaders’ decisions.  Soma provides immediate happiness.   Death in the family, failed romance, paper cut, all anguish is quickly remedied by popping a Soma pill.

Here’s an ad for a condition that we all deal with on a daily basis.

Voiceover: Everyone has visits by the Sandman at night, and people wake up with their eyelids almost sticking together. Normally this is no big problem for most people, but for some the condition gets worse during the day.  

“It happens when I least expect it.  My eyelids suddenly fill with the stuff that Mr. Sandman delivers at night. I feel embarrassed and lost at work, as if I had suddenly been blindfolded.

  I can’t see and have to visit the rest room to wash it out.. This is how much I washed out of my eyes that workday.”

Voiceover:The medical term for this condition is Sandosis.  Fortunately researchers at the Dephonic institute have found a solution:  Bxyomik, a small pill you can take when you feel the warning signs of Sandosis.   “I am happy to take Bxyomik, and I am free to go anywhere without worry.”

“I clean the bathrooms at the factory here. I almost got fired because my boss thought I was sleeping on the job and dropping things, but I started taking Sandosis and that doesn’t happen any more.  He’s even promoted me to the job of cleaning the bathrooms of the executive offices.”

 Voice over Do not take Sandosis if you are allergic to sand, have a history of intermittent blinking, drink more water than beer, have ever visited the Maldives or have relatives that suffer from Sandosis, or if you have ever slept on your left side.  Side effects include sleepwalking, insomnia, bad chewing habits, permanent blindness, glued eyelids and death, sudden onset of diarrhea.  If any of these conditions occur, consult your doctor immediately.

Many drug ads use the threat of social outcasting to sell their product.

“I attended a conference and sweated throughout the meeting because my stomach growled.  I thought the gods could hear the thunder emanating from my body.”

Voiceover: Joe is not the only person who suffered from Intestinal Thunder.  Millions of people every day are afflicted with a Noisy Tummy and often find it difficult to concentrate on the job at hand.  But now there is Bellyotinen, a small tablet you can take whenever you feel your stomach rumbling like a summer thunderstorm.

IT ( Intestinal Thunder) happens to everyone. 

“I used to get so embarrassed when I would be cutting a good customer’s hair, and suddenly my growling would begin.  First it was low and not so easily heard, but then it would get louder and louder.  There was nothing I could do.

“When I would go to church on Sunday I would find myself the only person in the pew.  Everyone knew about my loud growling stomach.  It was so embarrassing.”

“But now I take Bellyotinen and people like Elvira here sit next to me…Course Elvira is deaf.”

Voiceover: Do not take Bellyotinen if you have bleeding ulcers, athlete’s foot, gall bladder removed or have eaten lettuce within the last year.  Side effects include hypochondria, hallucinations, disorientation, having suicidal thoughts, an inability to identify friends or relatives, and an intense desire to visit the Capuchin Catacombs in Sicily.  If any of these reactions to Bellyotinen occur, consult your doctor immediately.

Many of the drug ads appeal to our need to belong to groups, social animals that we are.  Unless we correct our rare condition that alienates us from the rest of the human race we are lepers, ostrasized and exiled.  Like this ad.

“The few friends that I have want me to go to the beach with them, but I always have an excuse not to go.” Voiceover: Marlene is not the only person that suffers from olfactpodiatism….smelly feet. Doctors do not know why sufferers from abnormally offensive smelly feet develop the condition, but they do know how to treat it successfully.  [/caption]

Many ointments and salves promise relief, but most do not work.  But now we have a solution to this difficult problem….Vgkyz.  Vgkyz is a long-lasting capsule that olfactpodiatism patients take once in the morning to remove the bacteria that causes smelly feet, and it lasts for twenty-four hours!

“Vgkyz is the first pill I take when I wake up in the morning, and I am secure and confident that I won’t be offending anyone’s nostrils all day!”

Voiceover:  Don’t alienate your friends and family by offending their olfactory system.  If you suffer from olfactpodiatism, ask your doctor about Vgkyz.  You’ll be glad you did.

Do not take Vgkyz if you are pregnant, plan to be pregnant, have a boyfriend, or plan to visit Canada in the next year—Side effects include toenail prolongation, hammer toes, slurred speech, and the need to urinate every quarter of an hour.

As bad as these ads are, I still do not mind commercials that much. There are those new ads featuring products only talked about in adolescent boys’ locker rooms—maybe girls’ locker rooms also. Even as I watch and listen, I know that the car the ads are parading up the Matterhorn  I will never buy let alone drive to the top of a mountain.  I will not assault my liver or kidneys by swallowing a pill to treat ear hair.  Commercials give me time to ponder life or think about the show I am watching—and try to understand the plot: why did the uncle burn the will of his grandfather? Oh, he married the ex-wife of the uncle ….whose uncle?  Or how come the villain fired 60 shots at the hero with an AR 15 and missed, but the hero fired one shot from a derringer and felled the villain? The commercials give me time to pause and reflect on humankind’s nature.  As the Stage Manager says in Our Town by Thornton Wilder,   “wherever you come near the human race there’s layers and layers of nonsense!”

In Aldous Huxley’s novel,  Brave New World, no one is allowed to be miserable for even a second.  No matter what the affliction, physical or mental, people are always happy, because when they fell the doldrums begin to shadow their souls, they pop Soma, a pill that makes them instantly happy…but it is.a childlike happiness that eventually leads to a dystopian, bleak future.

At other times I wonder if someone will plug a drug that will allow me to mentally bypass commercials entirely.  Probably not.  Madison Avenue seems to have the jump on all of us.  Thus it always has been….well, maybe not.

Remember the television commercials of yore which pushed this drug?