Senior Reality Olympics 2024

   By Ralph Maltese

It seems only yesterday that I reported on the first Senior Reality Olympics https://maltesefalcon.info/?s=senior.

If you are new to these Olympics, click on the link above.  As the Baby Boomer generation booms older, we boomers still want to participate in Olympic events, but we want the competitions to reflect real life situations that the oldest amongst us face almost every day, unlike the younger folks’ Olympics.  I mean…really….when was the last time you threw an iron or brass ball weighting 16 pounds (8 pounds women’s shot put) 73 feet?  That is like throwing a bowling ball the length of 21 supermarket shopping carts lined up end to end.  I did the math (I had to rest my eyes from reading the book Oppenheimer….600 pages, small text, big pages).

Or when was the last time you said to your partner or friend, “Hey, let’s go race some pigeons?”  Pigeon racing was discontinued, but it was an Olympic event.  No.  We stick to real life competitions…the challenges we face almost every day.

The Senior Real Olympics committee decided, in the spirit of inclusion, to include participants from the age of35 since the younger people face some of the same challenges that the elderly brave.  Here is my report on this year’s winners and losers in the International Senior Reality Olympics 2024, now identified by MACCRO. (Middle Aged Chronologically Challenged Reality Olympics).

STREAMING PLATFORMS—Couple.

Couples compete by watching several episodes of serialized British murder mysteries on different  Streaming Platforms such as Netflix, Hulu, Britbox.

A week later contestants return and try to locate the correct platform and episode for each of the shows they watched the week before.  Points are awarded for speed and accuracy. 

The winners of the gold medal for Streaming Platforms are Embrina Fatimata and Idrissa Harouna from Burkina Faso.

“You know, they (the judges) will not allow no notes, so we had to memorize platform and episode.  A week is a long time, no?” Embrina explained.  “We be very happy.”

SUCCESSFUL TECH SUPPORT TRANSLATION—Individual.   Contestants are assigned to computers each of which has the same technical problem.  They are each given a phone number for tech support, and each contestant, after twenty minutes on hold, converses with a technician whose English is spotty. The Olympian who is able to resolve the problem in the shortest time wins.  Patience is crucial to be successful in this event. That is why many refer to it as “The Patience Challenge.”

The gold medal went to Akari Akamatsu from Japan, who was able to understand the tech support agent and solve the problem in two hours, twenty-two minutes, a world record.

(Note:  This event took a hard toll on several competitors.  Dorji Bidha from Bhutan was disqualified for blasting his computer screen with a shotgun.

Mathilda Van Buten from Germany lost her hearing after being on hold for three hours, two minutes, listening to the canned version of the Yellow Rose of Texas by the Kazoo Kings.

NEWSPAPER FOLDING EVENT—Individual.  Each competitor is given a Washington Post or New York Times newspaper and told to read an article on the first page and then turn to page 9 to continue reading the article without crinkling the paper.  Time and neatness of folding are scored.  Archibald Twitsome-Eekberry from England won the gold in this event.  Reporters at Heathrow Airport asked (now a Sir) Twitsome-Eekberry about his technique.  “Practice, quite really, is the secret.  My missus, Evelyn Twitsome-Eekberry always complained that she received the paper from my hands in quite a disarray.  Of course, that wouldn’t do.  So naturally I had to develop a strategy to create a neater transference; I set my thought-jousting to it, and the result was the Ipswich Slap…a sharp karate-like chop in the middle of the Guardian that does the trick.  So there it is.”

SUPERMARKET SELF CHECK OUT (couple)  Teams compete to complete a self-check out in a grocery store.  All teams have the same products to check out. Points are awarded for speed of completion and accuracy.  Aiden Corningware and his wife Esther Corningware from Jersey City, New Jersey, United States, were awarded the gold.  In a later interview with Shopper’s Guide magazine, Aiden confided.  “It was brutal out there.  The machine kept on telling me to remove my credit card and then asked me to insert my credit card.  This happened five times….right honey?  But once I realized I had the card upside down it worked, and we were in a groove.  I heard other couples yelling at their machines.  Like the couple next to us kept screaming at the machine, ‘I put the item in the freaking bag!!!’  One couple took the honey dew melon in their shopping cart and smashed it against the monitor yelling ‘The freaking honey dew melon has no bar code!’ I guess we had an advantage because in the states we are more used to Self-Checkouts.  But this trophy goes on our mantle…if we had a mantle.  USA!! USA!! USA!!”

BYPASSING COMMERCIALS EVENT (individual)

 Competitors record a one hour television show and when they replay the program, they fast forward over the commercials to the exact points where the commercial ends and the show continues.  Speed and accuracy are the criteria for success.  Having to go back to the beginning of a segment incurs penalties.   The Gold was awarded to Deng Xiaoping from China who set a world record by having to rewind only once.  A favorite to win gold in this event was Agim Fatmir from Albania, but she lost time when she mistook her cell phone for the tv remote. Mateo and Martina Manuel from Spain were favored win the gold in this event.  They won a gold medal in the last two Olympics and a silver medal in the 2012 Olympics, but in 2024 Martina inadvertently held her tv remote upside down, and lost points for both speed and accuracy.

CLINGING PLASTICS EVENT—(individual)  Competitors visit a grocery store and are assigned fruits and vegetables to be deposited in plastic bags.  They must first separate the two sides of the crinkly bag and then open it up wide enough to deposit the products.  Winning this event for the first time was Julieto Diego from Uruguay.  Reporters greeted Ms. Diego at the Montevideo Airport.  “So happy to see you all.  I practiced so hard, going every day to different grocery stores and grabbing plastic bags and using my thumb and forefinger to slip two sides apart.  Some were more clingy than others so I would spit on my thumb and forefinger and rub the two sides apart.  Best fruits and vegetables were rutabaga and gooseberries to practice, because they were most challenging.  Would you like some gooseberries and rutabaga?  I have plenty from practice.”

Vesna Bojana from Montenegro was hospitalized in Montevideo as surgeons, using the Jaws of Life, attempted to remove the clinging plastic from her face.0

MAGAZINE MARATHON—(individual)  Olympians are assigned to a doctor’s waiting room. Participants must submit to a physical examination by a doctor, and, simultaneously, try to smuggle magazines from the waiting room.  The magazines are weighted with more points awarded for stealing Mademoiselle, Unpopular Mechanics, and fewer points for Scholastic Magazine and Golfer’s Weekly.  First place was awarded to Aapo Aapeli from Finland who scored a record three hundred points for smuggling seven large magazines and a children’s book, Mary Has a Severe Ear Infection. Aapo credited her Finnish overcoat design for her success.

GPS CACHING DEXTERITY (couple)–Couples are given identical cars with the same quantities of petrol and are assigned destinations and a GPS to use as a guidance device. Speed of reaching the destinations with the fewest errors in reading the GPS is a major assessment.  Points are subtracted for each “Recalculating” notification by the GPS.  Chae-Won of Korea won the gold.  Heidi and Thomas Butler, representing Canada, were disqualified for using a paper road map. Sadly Oscar Van Buten and his wife Mathilda, representing Germany, have still not returned from the event, and Rescue and Retrieve parties have been assigned to find the couple.

(last picture seen of Oscar and Mathilda Van Buten)

PLASTIC PACKAGING REMOVAL—(individual)  Each Olympian is given a package of 36 double A  batteries encased in hard plastic.  Participants are asked to remove the batteries as quickly as possible using any one of the tools in a kit given each player: a pair of scissors, a screwdriver, and a pair of pliers.

Luka Alexsej from Slovenia won the gold, removing all 36 batteries in 32 minutes, another Olympic record.  The event was interrupted when a participant’s hand was severely cut in trying to open the hard plastic. Once again, paramedics needed the Jaws of Life in order to release Pakistan’s Shikah Thakur’s hand.  He is recuperating at a local hospital. 

FAMILY GOODBYE BIATHALON—couple– Italy is usually the team favorite in this event.  Sicilians and Neopolitans have been fierce competitors in the Italian Premier League in this sport. Families try to say goodbye to their hosts after a visit, but the Olympians keep them from leaving by raising new topics of conversation.  As expected Tommaso Martire and Vittoria Galbetti from Italy were awarded the gold medal for setting an Olympic record of one hour and twelve minutes keeping their guests at the door.   The Senior Italian MACCRO Olympic Committee has managed to include this event in the next Senior Real Olympics but with an addition. Couples will not only be judged by how long they stay the goodbye, but how much food they make the visitors depart with.  Some members of the World Real Olympic Committee are debating whether to make this suggestion another event or part of the Family Goodbye Biathalon.  In any case, it will be an unofficial event and not count toward a nation’s total medal tally

WAITER BAITING EVENT-couple- Couples compete by how quickly they frustrate a young person who is waiting on them in a restaurant. .

0 How quickly they achieve that goal by using tactics such as complaining about the warmth of the food, the time waiting to be served, explanations of the menu, demanding details of the specials, the climate (especially the blast from the air conditioning) of the restaurant, requesting knowledge of the methods of cooking the entrées, and amount of the gratuities, are all factors in scoring. 

The gold medal went to Jules and Chloe Verno from France with a world record time of1 minute, 42 seconds.  In the interview the Verno’s shared their strategy. “Mon ami, it was tres facile.  ‘We asked him a few softening up questions, such as “Do they have tap or water with gas (sparkling water)?’ ‘What quality of olive oil was used to saute the cutlet?’ ‘From what farm in England did they get the dairy products?’ On the menu was listed, “Broiled Young Tom Turkey with mashed potatoes.” I simply asked the young man “How old/young is the turkey?”

He replied, ‘Sir, I do not know the birthday of the turkey.’ And he ran out of the restaurant.  “Tres facile.”

TRIAGE TRIFECTA—individual—Groups of older people meet socially and begin conversations about the weather.  The person who is the last to discuss his/her infirmities wins.  Grace Harper took the gold, the last to discuss her latest physical difficulties and operations at 2 minutes, 14 seconds, just 2 seconds off the world record.

I hope you enjoyed my update of the Senior Reality Olympics(MACCRO)

. If you have suggestions for events you would enjoy viewing, please forward them to me.  If you enjoyed(or have criticisms) of my reporting of the event, please leave a message.

Your input is greatly desired.