Robo Calling

“Hello.  Is This the Party to Whom I Am Speaking?”
Lily Tomlin

I am one day home from my hospital stay sitting in my family room surfing afternoon television for something, anything, to watch, my eyes getting bleary from the two hours of reading about James Garfield and his assassination. Ah, Star Trek, The Next Generation, the episode in which Dr. Beverly Crusher keeps losing shipmates as her world keeps closing in.  Boy, could I empathize.  My chest is sore from the dialysis port they inserted, my legs are weak, and every movement of my body is an effort.  My world and what I can do in it seems to have shrunk.  Will I ever be able to get up and refill the bird feeder?  Will I ever feel again the gentle force of a Pocono stream against my flyfishing waders? Heck…will I be able to reach over from my chair and munch on the Granny Smith apple perched on my end table without any pain?

Brringoong!……. Brringoong!….. Brringoong! Our landline ringtone sounds like a drunken hog burping. The damn phone is off its holder and on the kitchen table.  Might be the doctors.   Okay legs, Up! Up! Up!, let’s go spine, straighten out.

Brringoong!……. Brringoong!….. Brringoong! Out of the family room chair finally, I shuffle to the phone. Do not recognize the caller id.

“Hello?”

A cheery metallic voice begins its routine.  “Hello, you have been chosen to win a two week vacation to the Florida Keys…”

A robo call.

Is it my imagination or are robo calls on the increase?

Dinner time seems to be a prime target of robo calls, I guess because the company issuing the calls supposes that most people are home at that time and don’t mind their dinners being interrupted.

We are eating our linguine Bolognese, a few delicious strands wrapped around my fork as we listen to the evening national news.  I wait for the reports of the latest Trump-tropisms before I stick the fork in my mouth.

Brringoong!……. Brringoong!….. Brringoong!   Mouthful of pasta, I answer the phone.  “Hello, we have heard that someone in your household has been suffering from diabetes.”

I did not know that my type 2 diabetes was the subject of local gossip.  “I have diabetes.”  The recording continues, ignoring my response.  “We will send you a brand new meter and blood strips as an introductory offer free of charge.”

“That is sweet of you.”  I hang up because toying with robo calls is not satisfying. They don’t listen.

Robo calling is big business.  Here is what one company offers to sellers of products who want to reach millions of potential customers relatively cheaply.

• Termination capabilities added for offshore agents eliminating the need for a US based phone number. [So U.S. law enforcement has a more difficult time prosecuting.]
• Calling capacity has been expanded to allow over 16 million calls daily for large political broadcasts. . [Sixteen million!  Do the math—300 million Americans. In less than nineteen days the entire population of the United States can receive the same political message—or unfact.]
• Proprietary new voice recognition technology added to more accurately identify Live Callers vs. Answering Machines. . [Because reaching those “Dead Callers” as opposed to Live Callers is a complete waste of money.]

The charge by this particular RoboCall company is (for the minimum program), $150 which buys the advertiser 6,000 minutes or 2.5 cents a minute.  At these rates I am surprised my phone is not Brringoong! continuously.

And robocallers are becoming increasingly sneaky. Polley and I always check Caller ID. No help.  From the Federal Trade Commission:

“Robocallers fake the caller ID information that you see on your phone. That’s called caller ID spoofing — and new technology makes it very easy to do. In some cases, the fraudulent telemarketer may want you to think the call is from your bank, or another entity you’ve done business with. Sometimes, the telephone number may show up as “unknown” or “123456789.” Other times, the number is a real one belonging to someone who has no idea his or her number is being misused.”

So what to do?

• Hang up the phone. Don’t press 1 to speak to a live operator and don’t press any other number to get your number off the list. If you respond by pressing any number, it will probably just lead to more robocalls.
• Consider contacting your phone provider and asking them to block the number, and whether they charge for that service. Remember that telemarketers change Caller ID information easily and often, so it might not be worth paying a fee to block a number that will change.
• Report your experience to the FTC onlineat or by calling 1-888-382-1222.

https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0259-robocalls

The other day I was dozing in the blissful world of napdom when Brringoong!……. Brringoong!….. Brringoong!

“This is Microsoft support.  We have learned that your computer is under attack by viruses.”  I have heard this scam before and reported it to a state enforcement agency (the scammers were operating from a foreign country).  I did not press 1 or any other keyboard number.   What was interesting about this call was that it was a robo call, but when I responded by voice it alerted a real live scammer.  Technology…amazing.  Of course I gave the live scammer an earful (I might have said something that impugned his parentage), and he responded with a few choice counter responses which did not result in a sale.

My problem with robocalls, aside from the nuisance (to the infirm and elderly it is more than a nuisance) is that they are no fun.

Like the live caller the other day. (I can tell I am recovering and my world has stopped shrinking but is actually expanding.  Toying with telemarketing is part of the expansion.)

Brringoong!……. Brringoong!….. Brringoong!

“Hello?”

“Hello.  This is Jason.  Here at Aural America we have learned that someone in your household is having hearing issues.”

Damn local community gossip again!

“What’s that?”
“Hi, this is Jason. Does someone in your home have hearing issues?”

“Do I want earrings? No.  Never worn them.”

“No,[slower and louder] I am sorry. Is someone in your home suffering from hearing loss?  We manufacture the best hearing aides in the world.”

“Sorry you have aids.  I can’t hear you.  Wait. I will get my wife….[pause] She must have gone shopping. I didn’t hear the garage door open and close.”

“I’’ll call back.”

You do that, Jason, and you will be conversing with Morris the Mumbler.

But robocalls do not offer that opportunity for fun.

“If you receive a robocall trying to sell you something (and you haven’t given the caller your written permission), it’s an illegal call. You should hang up. Then, file a complaint with the FTC and the National Do Not Call Registry.”  https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/media/video-0028-what-do-if-you-get-robocall

See, it is the “illegal” part that prevents me (along with a lack of finance) to enacting my own revenge—shelling out $150 to robocall my tormentors….targeting those who robocall me.

Brringoong!……. Brringoong!….. Brringoong!