Real World Senior Olympics

Don’t get me wrong.  I still enjoy the Olympics.  Every four years I get charged up by watching athletes in 206 recognized nations (are the unrecognized nations participating incognito?) embrace the comraderie borne of athletic competition which supposedly transcends tribalism as they compete to win medals for their countries and prove their governments superior to those of other countries.  We admire the grace, strength, and endurance of the participants which is what it is all about, right?  Medal count? Pshaw. 

But as I age, I think it may be time to recognize skills and attributes and endurance of another genre.  I think it is time for the Senior Olympics, participation by people over sixty in feats that test mind and mettle. Grace be damned! 

And not only challenges that test our skills, but tasks that seniors perform almost every day.  I mean Olympic events are fun to watch, but what real world context do they have? Curling?  I have yet to stand on a frozen lake and try to shove a cheese wheel or something across the ice.  Biathalon?  Haven’t skied through the woods and stopped to shoot something in a while.  Pole vault?  Yeah, right.  The last time I vaulted over anything was when I twelve and jumped the fence to escape Grumpy Leadenhauer’s ferocious mutt. And it has been quite an age since my wife and I have enjoyed synchronized swimming.   No.  The real world senior Olympics should have its institutional anchor set in the concrete of relevance. 

There would have to be ground rules.  Some events may require couples who have been married over twenty-five years, other competitions requiring single contestants.  No oxygen tanks permitted or drug enhancements like Tylenol and certainly not Aleve.  I was all set to make the proposal to the Olympic Committee when I discovered other nations already have a real world senior Olympics. I think it is high time the United States enters the competition. Below are the events and the record times.

CHILDPROOF CAP REMOVAL—individual

Contestants compete to remove the caps off medication bottles before they have to call 911. 

Record:  4.5 minutes, Olaf Jurgenson, Norway (Attaturk Hauptman was disqualified for using his teeth)

VCR TIME RESET—couples

Couples compete to change the blinking 12:00 to the correct time. 

Record:  2.5 years, Amy and Arthur Richmond (Great Britain)  (sadly couple soon divorced)

FLOOR ARISEMENT—individual

Individuals compete to rise from a sitting position on a living room floor to a standing position.

Two environments:  hardwood floors and carpeted floors.

Record Hardwood Floors: Giuseppe Albertini, Italy 32 minutes

Record Carpeted Floors:  Adile, Turkey, 28 minutes

Hortense Michelob, Germany, disqualified for using a piano to assist him.

EXITING CAR AFTER A LONG RIDE—couples

Couples drive one hundred miles and pull into a rest area parking lot.   Time begins when engine is turned off.  Contestants must exit vehicle and reach rest rooms after stretching and performing self-triage.

Record: 12 minutes, Hercule and Francoise Bellalouise, France.

(trivia note:   Adi and Adelina Ancuta, Romania, had to be rescued by the Jaws of Life, but were able to compete in the next Olympics.)

REMOTE CONTROL—couples

Couples visit the home of one of their children, are asked to watch grandchildren while their parents go to dinner, and after the young ones are in bed, compete to learn in the fastest time how to turn the television on and change channels using the six remotes available.Record: 2 days, 9 hours, Myrtle and Hiram Blythen, Great Britain

(trivia note:   six couples divorced after the competition.)

WHY AM I HERE IN THIS ROOM?—individual

Contestants are placed in a kitchen and told to retrieve a tool from the garage.  Contestants then answer a wrong number phone call, enter the garage and try to remember what they are in the garage for.

Record:  45 minutes, Facundo Alvarez, Mexico.

(trivia note:  Orlando Marquez, Brazil, is still in the garage)

RECORDING RECALL—individual

Contestants are assigned a specific scene on a taped movie.  Contestants must locate the exact location of the beginning of that scene in the fewest fast forwards and fast backwards on the remote control.  Another measurement is how accurate the contestant is in stopping at  the actual beginning of the scene.

Record:  3 fast forwards, 4 fast backwards, 5 seconds near beginning of scene, Itsuki Hiroto, Japan.

 MEMORY FLASH—two day event; couples

Couples are asked to watch Perry Mason reruns (other programs are also used), and the first couple to recall in the fastest time that they had just watched the same episode the day before wins.

Record: 24 minutes, Ahu and Amiri, India

(trivia note:  interestingly, six couples never realized that they had watched the same episode the day before)

SAFE PLACE—individual

Contestants are assigned a safe place in a model home to store important documents. Contestants are given a document to store in the safe place and are called back one week later to recover the document.

Record:  1 day, 12 hours, Casa von Beck, Lichenstein

SYNCHRONIZED NAPPING—couples

Couples are assigned a beginning and an ending time for napping, and event is judged by how closely partners rise from their slumber, grace, and form.  Points are subtracted for snoring.

Record:  96.6 Points, John and Ethel Cavanagh, Canada

Trial Event—NOT OFFICIAL EVENT IN REAL WORLD SENIOR OLYMPICS—

SYNCHRONIZED RECLINING—couples

Couples are asked to raise their reclining chairs simultaneously.   Points are awarded for degree of synchronization, noise level, and height.

Record (unofficial):  82 Points Maria and Antonio Escalnie, Italy

Well, fellow Americans, what do you think?  Should we enter a team?  We would have to consider training costs: coaches, travel to and from people’s homes for practice, etc.  There would be no dearth of sponsors.  Think “Drug Companies.”  But if other nations can compete, so can we.  We are the “We can do!!” generation.  And it is not that crazy.  Consider previous Olympic Events like Live Pigeon Shooting, Tandem Bicycle Racing, Croquet, and Swimming Obstacle Course (swimmers had to, in this 1900 Olympics, clamber over a pole and a row of boats and then under another row of vessels in the Seine River—how real world is that?!) 

One problem for all of this is that young people might not be interested in attending or watching the Real World Olympics, and that is fine.  We know that we can’t compete with the younger set physically, but we also know what they do not know—that a wealth of knowledge and experience is harbored in our brains—everything from the true value of relationships to how to not panic when holding a baby with colic; from coping with the suffering of unrequited love to how to hold eternity in one’s hand.  Our strength is in our wisdom and our empathy and in our willingness to share what we know to be true and valuable. That is the strength and the offering of older generations down through the centuries.  That and the ability to laugh at ourselves.  We know what the young ones do not know.  We know the youths will become seniors some day. “You’ll see, millennial!”

Seniors, Let’s give the Real World Olympics  a shot, dangnabit!!!!