One Man’s Guide for Men Shopping for Women’s Gifts
Okay, Men. You have decided to man up and shop for your wife’s holiday gift. This is a daunting task—no doubt about it. But with this guide, the mission will be easier and, hopefully, successful. First of all, congratulations! You have eschewed our fathers’ cowardly tactic of giving their daughters some cash and commanding them to purchase their mother some clothes which our fathers claimed credit for choosing. That strategy was strictly a monetary exchange, no thought involved. It seems to me that women like things involving thoughtfulness. Men I don’t know. I never heard the male recipient of a good deed, say having a buddy bait a hook or pop open his beer (rare events, admittedly) say to the gift giver, “My, that was thoughtful.” You have also avoided the pitfall of choosing a practical gift like my father who thought an electric can opener was my mother’s heart’s desire.
Let’s be clear. You WILL fail. Many holidays past, I decided to shop for my fiancé Polley. I entered a posh boutique (that’s a store with flowery wallpaper and requires a credit card because no matter how much cash you have on you, it won’t be enough) and the rather short lady cracking gum approached me. “Dearie, can I help you?” The “dearie” is a tell. Salesladies see a man in a women’s clothing store or women’s clothing department and immediately think the guy has gotten lost returning from Best Buy or Pep Boys. If I answered, “Thanks, babe.” The “babe” would have landed me in jail or a lawsuit, but she gets away with “dearie.” There are two strategies to choose from. The first is to dig your toe into the carpet and “Aw shucks” the salesperson telling her you want to buy something nice for your spouse but you “justs don’t know nothing about buying no woman’s clothes.”. This gives the saleslady power, not always the best course of action. On my first mission I pleaded Gomer Pyle style for help. “Okay, dearie. Maud is going to fix you up.”
Maud showed me several outfits. I had no idea what Polley liked or didn’t like. I would have to learn this over the years, and you, too, can do this. Like anything else if you want to learn because the objective is worthwhile, you will learn. When you are both shopping pay attention when she stops in front of a window and says something like, “That dress is cute.” “Cute” is usually a ringing endorsement, so your ears should perk up, and that part of your brain not devoted to NFL football stats should retain this image of clothing. Watch what she chooses to wear and what clothes/jewelry worn by her friends she praises. The latter can be tricky—they always praise their friends’ wear, so you have to discern levels of praise…..praise can be a flower or a dagger. If she repeats the praise to her other friends out of earshot of the recipient, it is legit.
Finally Maud shows me a flowing, frilly, purple dress, something I envisioned Polley sporting while she sashayed around the Hotel Taft Ballroom floor. It never occurred to me that Polley would not have numerous opportunities to sashay around the Hotel Taft Ballroom floor. Maud got out the box and tissue paper and started to pack the purple dress. “Honey, trust me. She’s gonna love it.”
Polley didn’t love it. With great tact she explained to me that the only occasion on which she could wear the purple dress was if she landed a dancing role in the cast of the Broadway musical West Side Story. We went back to the store and she picked out something else. So, you WILL fail, especially at the beginning, but if you learn from the disaster, it will pay off.
The second strategy is to demonstrate to the saleslady that you actually know something about what you want and more importantly, what your wife would want. You walk in the store, and there is the salesperson summing you up, judging that in terms of shopping you are dumber than the mannequin poised next to her. You say something like, “It is that time of year. I would like to purchase for my wife an outfit appropriate for a rehearsal dinner that we will attend in May. She likes pastels, especially yellow, and she does not like clothing that is ostentatious or ornate. I have her sizes here on a card in my wallet.” I mentally measure how far her jaw drops.
To accomplish this, men, you have to tighten your belt, straighten your epaulettes, and do your homework. Stroll through the women’s section of a department store. You will see signs like “Young Misses,” “Active Wear,” “Maturity,” “Encore,” “Special Occasion,” “Collectors,” “Point of View.” Yeah, the labels don’t mean anything to me either. There will always be one label you can avoid…..unless…..”Maternity.”
Sometimes the sections of the store are categorized according to type of clothing:; Dresses, Jackets, Blazers, Leggings, Jumpsuits and Rompers (does your spouse “romp?), Jackets, Coats, Jeans, Pants, Pants and Capris(short white pants that are perfect to pack on your next trip to Italy), Resort Wear, Shorts, Skirts, Suits and Suit Separates[?], Sweaters, Tights, Socks and Hosiery, Vests, Tops (not to be confused with Sweaters, Blouses or Vests), Wear to Work (so all of the stuff above is for lounging around the house?), Shrugs (I guess a “shrug” is supposed to send the message “I don’t give a damn.”) One “trendy” garment mill labels their sections Cocktail, Day, Night Out, Work, Cozy Comfort (as opposed to the Harsh Comfort). Other stores label their sections by the name of the designer. I walk into a store, see Maurice A La Font Bleu, and I wonder what Canadian hockey team he played for. The Feldman Collection, Olaf’s Scandinavian Treasures, Martin’s Trendy Stuff, Hugo’s Piece de Resistance mean nothing to me. Don’t be intimidated. These guys probably couldn’t hit a whiffle ball.
Once you choose an item, say a sweater, now you have more decisions to make. First is size. A man wants a blue shirt, he marches to the shirt aisle, finds a blue dress shirt, 16 neck, 32 sleeve, he’s at the cashier’s desk, eight minutes tops. Women’s sizes are more complex—and mystifying. Some stores label their sections by sizes: Petite, Plus Sizes, Trendy Plus Sizes, .Petite Plus. OR there are these designations: X, XXS, XS, M. OR there are these sizes: 1,0,4,6,8,10,12 OR there are these sizes: 1,1.5,2,2.5,3,3.5,4. Finally there is Small, Medium, Large. I find that carrying a small card in my wallet with my wife’s measurements and presenting it to the saleslady helps a great deal. This way I don’t have to remember that a Macy’s 10 is equivalent to a Chico’s 2 or whatever. Want to impress the saleslady and demonstrate you know your stuff, that your savoir faire in the area of women’s clothing is boundless? Ask her if Calvin de la Bouche’s dress sizes “run small.” That’s right. A size 10 blouse by Calvin de la Bouche might actually be smaller in size than a size 10 by Jed Clampett’s Lifestyles. It is all part of the feminine mystique.
If you are thinking about a “top,” you might also have to consider the kind of hole in the top of the top: Neckline, Boatneck, Cardigan, Cowlneck, Crewneck, Henley, Mockneck, Scoopneck, Turtleneck, Vneck, Zipneck. Men usually do not worry about how much of their neck is showing, especially when they are sporting a “top” from Bazooka’s Bowling Alley, but apparently this is important. Watch what your loved one chooses from her wardrobe, try to remember it, and make the choice.
The next decision you will have to make is color. You might have as your favorite color “olive green camouflage” which, admittedly, looks great when you hunt turkey. You must consider your loved one’s best colors, especially taking into consideration her hair hue. Again, on this mission you will encounter experiences you have never imagined. You will enter a forest of colors that you never knew existed and which do not exist in nature, even though the names include features from the natural world. For example, here are some colors advertised in a catalog from a well-known store: Chili Red, Ink Spill, Rainforest Teal, Party Pink, Passion, Shadow, Waterfall, Coral Tile, Smoke Grey Heather, Intrepid Blue, Heather Buff (that is not Heather In The Buff, guys), Sphynx (??….exactly), Dark Prune (why does this not sound appealing?), New Red Amore, Pearl Blush, Venetian Moss (as differentiated from Albanian Moss) , Eggplant, Ballet Pink. Do not be daunted, Men, by the nomenclature. Remember when you opened your first box of Crayola Crayons (64) and encountered for the first time Cerise, and Cerulean and Fuchsia? Think prime colors and you will be fine. You can even anticipate the amount of the bill by the colors the store uses to identify its clothes. If a shop uses the following colors: Xanadu (grey green), Mikado (yellow), Glaucous (blue—powder blue), Wenge (dark brown), Fulvous (gold), Falu (deep red), Eburnean (ivory white), Amaranth (rose red), Smaragdine (emerald green) then expect to take out a second mortgage.
Warning. Two departments I carefully avoid when shopping for Polley. The first is a shoe department. Imelda Marcos, wife of Philippine dictator Ferdinand Marcos, admitted to owning one thousand, sixty pairs of shoes. We guys don’t understand this, but some of the female species do. Me, if I find a comfortable pair of work boots, I would wear them to every event, including weddings. Apparently in the opposite sex’s universe, there are more events than I could dream up, and each event requires a different pair of shoes. I leave shoe purchases to Polley’s vision of the future.
The second department I strongly urge you to bypass is the lingerie area. I once was rifling through a rack of slips and other undergarments (which Polley had hinted at in her Santa letter). I suddenly looked up and saw the stern face of the woman watching me from the opposite side of the rack. She wasn’t thinking that “this guy is buying a Christmas gift for his wife.” If I must purchase one of these accoutrements, I simply tell the clerk what I want and let her fetch the item. At the front desk, in line with female shoppers, avoid watching the cashier package the items unless you arouse some dagger eyes.
Of course, you could take the tact to avoid clothing purchases altogether and go for buying perfume. I am not good at that ever since Frank and Stan, two college buddies, convinced me in one of those dormitory bull sessions that the perfume industry got it all wrong. If girls wanted to attract boys through smell, they should put on smells that guys like. For example, Eau de Freshly Oiled Baseball Glove, or Magnifique New Car Smell. And guys should wear the floral odors that ladies enjoy. I think Frank and Stan were on to something.
Men, that is about all I know about shopping for women’s apparel. Not much, I admit, but it is a continual learning process. My best advice is to march into the fray unafraid and prepared. On several shopping attempts salesladies completely ignored me. As some later confessed, they thought I was standing in the middle of the store while my wife shopped (again, a male shopping in “Women’s Clothing” was to them an anomaly). Others eyed me as a homeless person who staggered in from a gin mill to oogle women as they exited the dressing room. You might have to approach them….the salesladies, not the women exiting the dressing rooms.
Is it worth it? My experience tells me it is. Your loved one will at least appreciate the fact that you walked miles in the mall to find the perfect gift; that you challenged the windmills of style and size denomination and color to pick for your lovely one something that would make her even more lovely. The gift, if she is smart, is in the effort you made, and that effort is much more valuable than money. At least I hope so. I admit I like shopping for Polley. And even failing in this mission has a silver lining. Hey, guys, at the very least she can always return the item and use the credit to shop for something she really wants. This is good. Many women like to shop…or so I am told.